The National Coalition of Domestic Violence (NCADV.org) defines Domestic Violence as “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” http://www.ncadv.org/learn-more/what-is-domestic-violence) It has been said that the Law is the lowest level of socially acceptable behavior. Thankfully most of us do a lot better than that.
In the same way that most of us don’t require Court Mandated Anger Management classes to learn better ways for expressing anger, most of us do not require Court Mandated Domestic Violence classes to learn to become less reactive, more respectful, more tolerant, less critical and more loving, especially in primary relationships.
If you are being physically or sexually coerced, clearly you are tolerating Domestic Violence. This is illegal and in my opinion, goes beyond acceptable limits. I recommend paying it immediate attention. Today I would prefer to address Verbal Domestic Violence (VDV) which too often remains unidentified, accepted and tolerated as normal even in the “best of families”. I would define VDV as any pattern of verbal behavior in a relationship which causes one or both to feel attacked and fearful to express him/her self.
Paradoxically most of us do just fine when it comes to expressing ourselves respectfully with almost everyone in our lives other than our primary partner. It is in these primary relationships with people we love the most where folks are most likely to judge, criticize and berate each other, even when things seem to be going along quite well.
I believe the best times to address issues involving verbal domestic are in fact when things are going along quite well: prevention is preferable to treatment.
The key word here is “pattern”. To state the obvious, it’s a pattern when you find yourself re-experiencing the same kind of unpleasant feelings during discussions with your partner. Do you often feel judged, criticized, berated and hesitant or fearful to express yourself? If so and you haven’t already done so, you can now acknowledge to yourself that you are tolerating VDV. If it’s a pattern between you and your partner you can then ask yourself “how do each of us participate in the repetition of this pattern and what can we do to change that pattern”.
I suggest inviting your partner to join you to look at VDV patterns in your relationship, to learn to better express and understand each other while preventing the inevitable creation of even more intransigent negative patterns over time. If you prefer not to disclose your feelings with your partner because you don’t feel safe even having that conversation, this can serve as another early warning signal that you are on a slippery slope which you will benefit from addressing sooner rather than later.
If you’re not ready to have that conversation, you can then ask yourself,
1) “What am I waiting for in order to be ready to talk about the VDV patterns I recognize as occurring between me and my partner?”
2) The next question is, What’s my next step?”
- I could allow things to remain the same and see how I feel if the pattern repeats itself.
- I could have a conversation with my partner and see how she/he feels about it.
- I could talk with a confidant I trust to help me possibly take a different point of view.
- I could seek out professional assistance with a counselor.
At the Wolf Training Institute, we believe everyone benefits from learning to better manage their emotional reactivity with those we love, for it is with them that we have the deepest emotional connections and its these relationships which mean the most.
Our CoupleZwork.com program teaches a method for couples to learn together to communicate emotionally sensitive issues so that both feel heard and understood and to increase the love they share.
For further information please contact me at steve@coupleswork.com .
And check out my weekly radio show podcast which includes an interview with someone in the field of psychology: shrinkdifferentradio.com a place for intelligent conversation about psychology.