FIRST PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK
Domestic violence is a tricky issue to discuss. People can be quite sensitive over being accused of being abusive or violent. A not infrequent response to this accusation might be, “that’s not violent, that’s just the way we did it back home” while the other partner, having had a different upbringing, might experience it as being quite abusive.
In order to address Domestic Violence (DV) you have to begin at the beginning. i.e. recognizing that a Domestic Violence pattern is in fact occurring. No one can do it for you. Until you yourself recognize that you are participating in a DV pattern, either by being abusive or by tolerating abuse or both, nothing is going to change, for the better. I will discuss how we define DV, how we identify it when it occurs and how to best discuss it with your partner.
The preferred time to address verbal abuse patterns is when the pattern first becomes identified. When uncomfortable verbal patterns remain unaddressed because you don’t want to make a big deal out of a small incident, it is more likely to reoccur than if it was “nipped in the bud”.
QUESTION 1: WHAT IS A DOMESTIC VERBAL ABUSE (DVA) PATTERN?
ANSWER: One or both partners are expressing themselves in ways which cause the other partner to feel criticized, attacked or berated and fearful to express themselves.
I provide the following guidelines for beginning to identify and address DVA patterns in relationships:
I – IDENTIFY YOUR EARLY WARNING SIGNALS
Question 2: How do you know if you are experiencing Domestic Violence (DV) or Domestic Verbal Abuse (DVA)?
Answer: Other than adopting the legal definition* which defines DV as physical or sexual abuse, there are no clear definitions of domestic verbal abuse. Therefore, the definition of DVA depends upon each individual’s point of view. One partner in the couple might consider Yelling beyond a particular decibel level to be DVA. The other might feel like she/he is being Verbally abused. One partner might justify their behavior as being their need to authentically express themselves while the other might feel falsely accused, criticized or berated. While some might accept those patterns of behavior to be quite within an acceptable normal range, or do not.
When either partner is afraid to express him/her self about how they feel they are being treated by the other there is probably some kind of abuse going on which is contributing to their intimidation.
Question 3: How do you know if and when you are verbally abusing your partner or you are being verbally abused?
Answer: It depends on your definition of Domestic Verbal Abuse?
What patterns of verbal expression cause you to feel you are being abused?
What is acceptable behavior for you and your partner in your relationship and what is not?
(You will benefit more if you write your answers down.)
Question 4: What are your Early Warning signals?
Identify the thoughts feelings or body sensations which can inform you when you are acting as either “the abuser” or of “the abusee” and that a VA pattern is occurring.
II: – PREPARING TO DISCUSS VA WITH YOUR PARTNER
If you experience any confusion, ambivalence or uncomfortable feelings over planning to discuss the issue your partner we advise you to “put on your own oxygen mask first”: to lower your stress and anxiety and clear your mind.
Some folks experience some stress, anxiety, anger or disturbing or confusing thoughts. If you do, we recommend dealing with yourself first. If you minimize your own stress and anxiety before attempting to talk about it with your partner you are more likely to have a positive outcome, than if you do not**
III: The Discussion
- A) Each partner clarifies what he/she considers to be “abusive” so that both partners feel heard and understood
- B) Identify agreed upon limits of acceptable behavior within your relationship
- C) Identify behaviors which are unacceptable to either one of you
- D) Identify the behaviors which indicate that the VA pattern is occurring.
- E) Establish how you want to communicate with each other when either of you recognizes that the VA pattern has been activated
- F) Identify actions you agree to take if these same patterns continue to reoccur.
I welcome your questions and comments at steve@TamingYourAnger.com and listen to my podcast at shrinkdiffferentradio.com
*The National Coalition of Domestic Violence (NCADV.org) defines Domestic Violence as “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” http://www.ncadv.org/learn-more/what-is-domestic-violence)
**We will share with you (at no cost) our belly breathing for stress reduction and simple listening exercises to lower stress and clear the mind. We also provide guidelines to address anxiety issues.
Email – info@tamingyouranger.com