As a Couples Therapist, I regularly explain to clients seeking to do Couples Work, that feeling Heard and being Understood are two invaluable skills which, once learned, contribute to correcting dysfunctional communication patterns while enriching relationships.
As simple as it may sound, it’s really quite challenging.
When we feel unheard or misunderstood, we don’t like it. We then immediately want to explain what we “really mean”, in order to justify our actions or points of view or to satisfy a need for agreement. These automatic tendencies often get in the way of our ability to listen in order to hear what each other has to say. which can then lead to arguments or “fights”.
Habitual tendencies to explain, or justify or demand agreement, can be so automatic that couples can repeatedly end up in “fights” because one or both of them feels unheard and/or misunderstood, without even recognizing this as being a primary cause of their argument to begin with.
As is the case with most ways of being in relationship, we learned how to communicate during early childhood from within our family of origin. We learned how to relate before we were five years old by imitating what we perceived going on between our parents and our siblings, even if they didn’t think we knew what was really going on. Although some us thought we could be different by attempting to do the opposite of what we experienced at home during childhood, disappointingly, a few decades later we can find ourselves repeating those same childhood patterns.
“How many “shrinks” does it take to change a light bulb?”
“One, but it has to want to change”
While many folks entering into Couples Therapy may admit that while they themselves have room for improvement, most folks entering into Couples Therapy believe it’s really their partner who needs to change. While that’s probably true since successful Couples Work requires that both partners recognize and address their own contributions to the negative patterns they would like to change, in order for a process of change to begin.
After a partner understands that he/she must address their own communication patterns, the next key for change begins with self-observation.
Once we learn to observe and catch ourselves in the moment just before we automatically, say or do the very behavior we want to change, then we can practice replacing that habit with a more conscious response, to develop new, positive habits to be more heard and better understood.
Once both partners commit to becoming more responsible for their own behavior patterns for both of them to feel more heard and understood, the Couple itself grows and experiences a reward of more intimacy, love and connection.
Again, I invite you to join us in the discussion on Monday, Oct. 10 at 4:30 (PST) at www.shrinkdifferentradio.com or mail in your questions or comments to steve@shrinkdifferent radio.com
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