benevolent domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home2/wolftrai/public_html/tamingyouranger/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6131In the same way that most of us don’t require Court Mandated Anger Management classes to learn better ways for expressing anger, most of us do not require Court Mandated Domestic Violence classes to learn to become less reactive, more respectful, more tolerant, less critical and more loving, especially in primary relationships.
If you are being physically or sexually coerced, clearly you are tolerating Domestic Violence. This is illegal and in my opinion, goes beyond acceptable limits. I recommend paying it immediate attention. Today I would prefer to address Verbal Domestic Violence (VDV) which too often remains unidentified, accepted and tolerated as normal even in the “best of families”. I would define VDV as any pattern of verbal behavior in a relationship which causes one or both to feel attacked and fearful to express him/her self.
Paradoxically most of us do just fine when it comes to expressing ourselves respectfully with almost everyone in our lives other than our primary partner. It is in these primary relationships with people we love the most where folks are most likely to judge, criticize and berate each other, even when things seem to be going along quite well.
I believe the best times to address issues involving verbal domestic are in fact when things are going along quite well: prevention is preferable to treatment.
The key word here is “pattern”. To state the obvious, it’s a pattern when you find yourself re-experiencing the same kind of unpleasant feelings during discussions with your partner. Do you often feel judged, criticized, berated and hesitant or fearful to express yourself? If so and you haven’t already done so, you can now acknowledge to yourself that you are tolerating VDV. If it’s a pattern between you and your partner you can then ask yourself “how do each of us participate in the repetition of this pattern and what can we do to change that pattern”.
I suggest inviting your partner to join you to look at VDV patterns in your relationship, to learn to better express and understand each other while preventing the inevitable creation of even more intransigent negative patterns over time. If you prefer not to disclose your feelings with your partner because you don’t feel safe even having that conversation, this can serve as another early warning signal that you are on a slippery slope which you will benefit from addressing sooner rather than later.
If you’re not ready to have that conversation, you can then ask yourself,
1) “What am I waiting for in order to be ready to talk about the VDV patterns I recognize as occurring between me and my partner?”
2) The next question is, What’s my next step?”
At the Wolf Training Institute, we believe everyone benefits from learning to better manage their emotional reactivity with those we love, for it is with them that we have the deepest emotional connections and its these relationships which mean the most.
Our CoupleZwork.com program teaches a method for couples to learn together to communicate emotionally sensitive issues so that both feel heard and understood and to increase the love they share.
For further information please contact me at steve@coupleswork.com .
And check out my weekly radio show podcast which includes an interview with someone in the field of psychology: shrinkdifferentradio.com a place for intelligent conversation about psychology.
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Domestic violence is a tricky issue to discuss. People can be quite sensitive over being accused of being abusive or violent. A not infrequent response to this accusation might be, “that’s not violent, that’s just the way we did it back home” while the other partner, having had a different upbringing, might experience it as being quite abusive.
In order to address Domestic Violence (DV) you have to begin at the beginning. i.e. recognizing that a Domestic Violence pattern is in fact occurring. No one can do it for you. Until you yourself recognize that you are participating in a DV pattern, either by being abusive or by tolerating abuse or both, nothing is going to change, for the better. I will discuss how we define DV, how we identify it when it occurs and how to best discuss it with your partner.
The preferred time to address verbal abuse patterns is when the pattern first becomes identified. When uncomfortable verbal patterns remain unaddressed because you don’t want to make a big deal out of a small incident, it is more likely to reoccur than if it was “nipped in the bud”.
QUESTION 1: WHAT IS A DOMESTIC VERBAL ABUSE (DVA) PATTERN?
ANSWER: One or both partners are expressing themselves in ways which cause the other partner to feel criticized, attacked or berated and fearful to express themselves.
I provide the following guidelines for beginning to identify and address DVA patterns in relationships:
I – IDENTIFY YOUR EARLY WARNING SIGNALS
Question 2: How do you know if you are experiencing Domestic Violence (DV) or Domestic Verbal Abuse (DVA)?
Answer: Other than adopting the legal definition* which defines DV as physical or sexual abuse, there are no clear definitions of domestic verbal abuse. Therefore, the definition of DVA depends upon each individual’s point of view. One partner in the couple might consider Yelling beyond a particular decibel level to be DVA. The other might feel like she/he is being Verbally abused. One partner might justify their behavior as being their need to authentically express themselves while the other might feel falsely accused, criticized or berated. While some might accept those patterns of behavior to be quite within an acceptable normal range, or do not.
When either partner is afraid to express him/her self about how they feel they are being treated by the other there is probably some kind of abuse going on which is contributing to their intimidation.
Question 3: How do you know if and when you are verbally abusing your partner or you are being verbally abused?
Answer: It depends on your definition of Domestic Verbal Abuse?
What patterns of verbal expression cause you to feel you are being abused?
What is acceptable behavior for you and your partner in your relationship and what is not?
(You will benefit more if you write your answers down.)
Question 4: What are your Early Warning signals?
Identify the thoughts feelings or body sensations which can inform you when you are acting as either “the abuser” or of “the abusee” and that a VA pattern is occurring.
II: – PREPARING TO DISCUSS VA WITH YOUR PARTNER
If you experience any confusion, ambivalence or uncomfortable feelings over planning to discuss the issue your partner we advise you to “put on your own oxygen mask first”: to lower your stress and anxiety and clear your mind.
Some folks experience some stress, anxiety, anger or disturbing or confusing thoughts. If you do, we recommend dealing with yourself first. If you minimize your own stress and anxiety before attempting to talk about it with your partner you are more likely to have a positive outcome, than if you do not**
III: The Discussion
I welcome your questions and comments at steve@TamingYourAnger.com and listen to my podcast at shrinkdiffferentradio.com
*The National Coalition of Domestic Violence (NCADV.org) defines Domestic Violence as “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” http://www.ncadv.org/learn-more/what-is-domestic-violence)
**We will share with you (at no cost) our belly breathing for stress reduction and simple listening exercises to lower stress and clear the mind. We also provide guidelines to address anxiety issues.
Email – info@tamingyouranger.com
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will really harm me.
It has been said that the Law is the lowest level of socially acceptable ethical behavior. Thankfully, most of us do better than that.
Referring to the National Coalition of Domestic Violence (NCADV.org) for a legal definition, they define Domestic Violence as “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.”
Most relationship patterns which escalate to unlawful physical or sexual Domestic Violence are preceded by and include patterns of Verbal Abuse. Although they may not fall within the legal definition of Domestic Violence, I believe that repeated patterns of verbal abuse should also be identified and addressed as being abusive behaviors.
Therefore, Couples who learn to identify and address abusive verbal patterns early on can develop new patterns for emotion expression to improve their relationship and prevent physical or sexual abuse from erupting in their future.
Question: What is verbal abuse?
Answer: As long as they don’t cross the line by breaking the law, each couple gets to decide for themselves what is acceptable and what is not. If either partner speaks up about feeling abused during arguments or discussions, then the relationship itself is challenged to deal with that. Mostly, its the voice of the one who feels they are being abused who is more likely to bring it up for discussion. If he/she is unwilling or unable to bring it up, it will remain unaddressed. If it remains unaddressed the pattern will persist and probably increase in some ways.
Everyone knows that Feeling is a different way of knowing than thinking. And, while everyone knows that people with high IQs are intellectually smarter than people with low IQs, not everyone knows that people with high EQ’s are emotionally smarter than folks with low EQ’s, or what that even means.
Unlike IQ which remains fairly stable throughout life, EQ, can be developed. Folks can become emotionally smarter. In other words, folks can become more able to handle stress, identify and communicate feelings, better able to listen to each other, more understanding and develop better self-controlled, particularly when they become annoyed and angry.
In other words domestic violence can be decreased by developing emotional intelligence.
The foundation for our Taming Your Anger and CoupleZwork programs rests on understanding the Building Blocks for Emotional Intelligence which provide a foundation for the development of emotional intelligence, becoming emotionally smarter. Integrating them does not just educate you. They can act as a catalyst for you to grow smarter.
For further information contact me at steve@TamingYourAnger.com
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Regardless of one’s plan of action in the face of change, we all benefit from adapting to the stress of change, especially if it requires acceptance of an outcome which is not in alignment with our own preferences or values. For instance, let’s look at what’s going on regarding LGBT issues in our culture. LGBT activists have worked diligently over the past 25 years or more to create change in our society. It required a vision, a plan, and consistent dedicated effort by many folks to not only change attitudes, but to change the law. However, tens of millions of folks who did not share the same liberal attitudes toward LGBT issues are now having to learn to adapt to these changes. Traditional, conventional attitudes which do not embrace these liberal LGBT issues have been in the collective psyche for hundreds or even thousands of years. Folks who are being asked to embrace practices like same sex marriage, shared gender bathrooms and the use of new pronouns to replace “his” and “hers” will require some time to deal with attitudes and feelings related to these cultural changes. They may feel helpless, fearful and angry because they, their children and others they love are being forced to accept behaviors as being the new normal which they have always believed to be abnormal and/or unacceptable.
While I personally have no problem with these gender related cultural changes, I do have a problem with labeling those who do have a problem as being “homophobic”, as if they were suffering from a disease. I would like to see more empathy and understanding from those who won the cultural gender battle toward those who lost the gender cultural battle.
The same holds true for those who feel they’ve won the cultural political battle after winning the presidency, the house, the senate and, shortly to tip the scale in the Supreme Court. If we are to find success as our culture vacillates from one position to another in these turbulent times, to recognize the “other” with differing opinions and values as “one of us” will allow us to get to a place of balance and equanimity as a culture with fewer wounds and greater acceptance of whatever cultural transitions we go through as a society.
I welcome your questions and comments at steve@TamingYouAnger.com
Check out our weekly podcast at shrinkdifferentradio.com and explore our individual and training/certification programs at TamingYourAnger.com
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I define Cognitive Dissonance as the stress we experience when our actions are out of alignment with our beliefs, attitudes, principles or morality. Cognitive Dissonance was first identified and defined by MIT/Stanford Social Psychologist Dr. Leon Festinger in his (1957) “Theory of Cognitive Dissonance”. Festinger taught us that to reduce this “Dissonance” or stress we must either change our beliefs, morals or attitudes, change our behavior or change the way we perceive the behavior, or we will continue to experience the stress caused by the dissonance.
Since stress has its own consequences, like blowing air into a balloon, unless we figure out how to successfully relieve the stress caused by the dissonance, something’s going to pop. Some folks “pop” by creating addictions to relieve their stress. Others might develop symptoms such as compulsive behaviors, anger issues or mood disorders. When addicts “hit bottom” or symptoms get out of hand is when many folks seek out a Counselor, Therapist or a Psychiatrist, having recognized they may need help to deal with “the problem”. Most mental health professionals, having adopted the medical model, which seeks to provide a cure for an identified illness, go about attempting to treat the patient’s symptoms with varying degrees of success.
As an Adult Developmental Psychologist, in addition to addressing the symptoms, I believe that clients benefit from developing their Emotional Intelligence and that long term changes in behavior require us to also address the cause. Psychotherapy must therefore include first identifying what it is that unconsciously influences folks to act in ways which are in conflict with their own internal sense of Right Action. What is it they are doing or not doing which causes them to go out of alignment with themselves? What conscious or unconscious thoughts, feelings or attitudes motivate them to behave in the ways which cause them regret?
Once these conscious or unconscious influences have been identified, the therapy can then proceed by assisting the client to identify what would be required from them to act more in accordance with their personal values, beliefs, or attitudes? Or, on the other hand, what would be required from them to adjust their thoughts, feelings or attitudes to be more excepting of their own behavior?
After having identified internal shifts they choose to make, clients then benefit from a program based on principles of Cognitive Behavioral Psychology, designed to assist them to change the designated behaviors which contribute to creation of the symptoms itself.
Unless they can accomplish one of those options, i.e. changing their attitudes or changing their behaviors, they will continue to feel out of alignment with themselves, continue to produce their own stress, consequently continue to have to find a way to discharge that stress, or continue to produce the symptom, or find another symptom to take its place.
I have found this approach to be especially successful for assisting those suffering with an underlying anxiety or mood disorder.
You can follow me at WolfTrainingInstitute.com, TamingYourAnger.com or shrinkdifferentradio.com
I welcome your comments and questions.
]]>“What’s past is prologue”, (Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act 2, Scene 1)”
How often have you asked yourself, “Why do we continue to say and do things that create problems for ourselves and those we care about?” The answer is because we haven’t yet identified the unconscious causes and motivation for those behaviors. We haven’t yet understood what the 19th century Spanish philosopher George Santayana meant when he said, “When experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
George Santayana (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/George_Santayana)
The same can be said to be true when attempting to understand the development and persistence of undesired behavioral patterns like addiction, avoidance, defensiveness, judgment, criticism or argumentation we may find in ourselves and in others.
All of us adults figured out how to express our emotions from our family of origin before we were five years old and we’ve been habitually repeating those psychological\emotional patterns we learned as children, ever since.
In fact, normal early childhood development includes the formation of what is often referred to as “Ego” or “Character” constructs” which I refer to as “protector-saboteurs”. We originally developed these Characters as Protectors to avoid re-experiencing painful emotions, which usually included feeling unsafe, unloved or disconnected. Eventually these same ego/character patterns which operated as protectors, cause us to self-sabotage as adults.
Sigmund Freud put it a little differently. His major contribution to 19th century Western Psychology was his identification of the Unconscious. He taught us that we all have an unconscious dimension of our mind which retains the impact of early childhood experiences as forgotten emotional memories. These continue to influence our perceptions, feelings and attitudes about ourselves as adults and interfere with our ability to form and maintain successful relationships.
While successful behavioral change does not necessarily require the understanding of Past as Prologue, all depth Schools of Psychology are based on gaining insight into the past, to stop living in the past: to stop emotionally responding in ways we originally learned to do as children.
As an Adult Developmental Psychologist, I believe it is a normal developmental challenge of adulthood to become aware of unconscious influences from these characters as projections onto others which cause us to repeat self-defeating behavior patterns. These self-defeating patterns become particularly obvious when it comes to dealing with unconscious causes of addiction and negative patterns in committed relationships.
Therefore, psychologically speaking, until unconscious patterns from our past become conscious we are destined to repeat the past: Past is Prologue to our present and the best predictor of the unfolding of our future.
]]>We are all familiar with a psychology that recognizes Stages of Development. At its most basic level we recognize that infants are different form toddlers who differ from children who differ from adolescents who differ from adults. Children are not superior to toddlers. Adolescents are not superior to children and adults are not superior to adolescents, but adolescents are more advanced in their developed than children and adults are more advanced in their development than teens. While one doesn’t need be a psychologist to recognize that, although we can identify dozens of differences between humans living at these varying stages of development, the sum of all these differences cannot clearly represent the profound differences between stages. Each is really different from the other.
As an Adult Developmental Psychologist I recognize that human development doesn’t just stop at the stage we call “Adult” (let’s call it A1) but that we adults have the possibility of maturing into even more advanced stages of Adult Development (A2), which are as qualitatively different from A1 as the previous stages are from each other.
Stages theory and stages of development have been identified by some of our most brilliant psychologist predecessors over the past 100 years. Jean Piaget identified Stages of Cognitive development in the 1920’s. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Piaget) , Freud identified Stages os Sexual Development in the 1920’s (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Erikson) Kohlberg and Gilligan each identified Stages of Moral Development in 1958 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Kohlberg), Erikson identified Stages of Psycho Social Development in the 1950’s and ’60’s). Others have identified Stages of Emotional development, Stages of Grieving, etc. You get the picture. Each identified “parts of the elephant”. The “elephant” being the Stage of Development itself which is in fact much more than the sum of its varying parts.
Like the blind villagers’ description of different parts of an elephant, each of these Stages Theorists describe a dimension of human development. Since adults evolve through stages of development, like tadpoles becoming frogs, we can recognize these stages when we look through a lens of intellectual development, moral development, psycho-sexual development, emotional development, ethical or any other kind of development one might grab hold of in an attempt to understand differences between levels of growth or maturity. What is clear is that some adults are more mature from other adults. However, in the same way that none of the identified differences, nor the sum of the identified differences between children and adolescents or between adolescents and adults can represent the totality of the difference between humans at each of these developmental stages, A2 adults who have evolved into more advanced Stages of development are qualitatively different than those A1 adults living at earlier stages of adult development. And, all attempts to describe differences between the early A1 stage of adulthood and advanced A2 stage of adult development will not represent the totality of those differences.
One clear difference between the A2 stage and the preceding ones is that one does not need to want to become an adolescent or an adult in order to become one. No extra effort is required to mature because, absent the presence of a severe disorder, It maturation and development just happens as a natural consequence of aging. On the other hand, progression into advanced A2 stages of development requires the desire to advance and the effort to do so.
For example, one distinction I have identified between the A1 and A2 stage of adult development lies in A2’s ability and desire to introspect: to identify and take responsibility for their own role in creating repeated patterns in their lives. A1 adults are often unwilling and unable to identify and take responsibility for their own patterns of behavior or life circumstances and therefore remain convinced that they are never responsible for the repeated patterns they find themselves in. They continue to believe and blame others for how they feel and for why they continue to re-experience the same life circumstances and consequences. The dimension of their psych which is capable of self-reflecting has not manifested yet, like water that has not gotten hot enough to become steam. They are just not ready to accept responsibility and any attempt to get them there will probably end up in aggression or withdrawal and separation.
From this point of view, one benefit of drug rehab programs in general or 12 step programs in particular is, not only do they assist and support clients to address addiction patterns to control their behavior, but, by doing so these programs serve as catalysts for adult development by providing a structure and method for willing adults to learn to introspect, to take responsibility for their own behaviors and discover a sense of themselves now capable of understanding how they have been unconsciously identified with ideas about themselves and others which they learned early on in their development which no longer serve them if they are to create a more meaningful life.
As a result of their internal growth and development, often times, the rehab client finds it difficult if not impossible to be heard and understood upon returning home after what can be recognized as a successful course of treatment, because, while they have advanced in their development and become more aware, willing and able to self-reflect, significant others in their lives who may not have addiction issues have not been through the developmental education and training provided by successful drug rehab programs and may not have learned to recognize their own roles in contributing to their own experiences.
Therefore, learning to take responsibility for addictive patterns behavior becomes a pathway for advanced stages of adult development.
Please send your questions and comments to steve@shrinkdifferentradio,com
]]>What is stress?
The Miriam Webster Dictionary’s definition off stress includes, stress is “a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.” and “a state resulting from a stress; especially: one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium <job-related stress> (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stress)
I define stress as CHANGE. Since 1967 the Holmes Rate Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS) (https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm) has been considered a gold standard for measuring stress. The SRRS also defines Stress as Change. The more change one has in life (eg. getting married, getting divorced, starting a job, ending a job, buying a house, selling a house, etc.), the higher the stress score and therefore the greater expected anxiety.
Since we all live with the stress of frequent change, especially in these political times, we all live with Anxiety.
Usually, when someone says they are anxious it is taken to mean that they have a psychological problem, like an anxiety disorder or panic attacks. In fact, more than 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, reportedly suffer from anxiety disorders. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health), I propose that, In addition to those folks suffering from a disorder, everyone else over the age of18 years old also experiences anxiety, although it is not so pronounced that it qualifies as a diagnosable “disorder”. A significant percentage of people don’t even know that they’re anxious and would even deny being anxious if it was suggested to them. But my experience as a psychologist has shown me that all psychological defenses are designed to protect individuals from experiencing their normal, underlying anxiety and vulnerability. This is not psychological pathology. This is part of the normal human development of identity and personality.
Since its often not within our control to determine the amount of change or stress we experience from our environment, it behooves us to deal with the inevitable internal consequences of the stresses we do experience.
SUGGESTIONS FOR DEALING WITH STRESS
“What stops me from doing those things which I know make me feel better is….
3. Since we’re talking about developing new life long habits, the best way to succeed is by making small regular increments of change over time, until you achieve the intended results.
Therefore: Identify one small step you can take toward achieving your intended goal, slowly, over time.
Success breed success. Therefore, after succeeding with your first limited goal, such as taking a 3 minute walk every day, you will easily be able to gradually increase the time that you walk over time.
4. Practice a breathing method of your choice so that it becomes a new habit which you can learn to utilize to lower your arousal level after you have become anxious.
5. Learn to meditate, to focus your attention and break your identification with random thought.
Please contact me at 310.299.2804 and I’ll gladly send you an MP3 of “Belly Breathing, Mindfulness and Mindlessness Practice”.
Please send your questions and comments to info@tamingyouranger.com and listen to my podcast at www.shrinkdifferentradio.com
]]>What does it mean when someone says “live in the moment”, or “You’re not living in the moment”.
The most obvious explanation of “living in the moment” involves paying attention. If you are distracted by a thought, you are missing the moment.
Mindfulness awareness trainings abound. Mindfulness is a form of meditation practice which teaches folks how to pay attention to the smallest of details, moment to moment to moment. It’s a skill worthwhile developing. They say most accidents occur to infants and small children when caretakers get distracted, for only a few seconds. Many a responsible adult has felt terrible about their attention having wandered for a moment or two during which time their child had a mishap.
A good example of living in the moment can be seen watching an NBA basketball game. Basketball is fast. It doesn’t matter if you made the last shot, blew the last shot, did something fantastic or did something terrible, because the next play is already in motion. You don’t have time to get stuck in the past. If you get stuck thinking about what just happened a moment ago you’re a step behind what’s happening in the moment.
You may not be aware of your life moving as quickly an NBA game, but circumstances are always changing from moment to moment to moment. For example, new moments are occurring right now. In this moment, you can become aware of sounds, sights, feelings, thoughts and body sensations which may not have been occurring in the same way a moment ago. Meditation/Mindfulness training can assist us to learn to remain focused in the moment.
A less obvious explanation of not living in the moment involves reacting to the present as if it was the past. In fact, the foundation of every form of depth psychotherapy involves clarifying the influence of the past on one’s experience of the present to reduce the influence of the past on how we respond in the present. For example, imagine a two year old child sitting at a picnic table when a bunny rabbit jumps onto the picnic table surprising the child, who then gets extremely frightened. Now, imagine this same person 30 years later, again sitting at a picnic table and again a bunny rabbit jumps near the picnic table and the young adult experiences an anxiety attack, with no recollection of what had happened at age 2. This is a clear example of interpreting an emotional reaction from the past which has been held in the body as a memory then being projected onto the present. The adult may insist that he is reacting to the present, explaining, “I’m just afraid of bunny rabbits”, with no understanding that when he experiences his fear of bunny rabbits he is in fact, living in an emotional memory from his past.
This example of the bunny and an anxiety attack is more extreme than many other examples of how we project the past. For instance, we may have been raised by a parent who criticized us when we made a mistake so we find ourselves unable to stress ourselves out of fear of being criticized, or we may have had a parent who felt anxious whenever their child was out of their sight so, as an adult this person is very cautious about exploring new places, and may just like to stick close to home. Maybe a child was raised in a home in which no one ever expressed their feelings so, as an adult, there is no ability to even identify a feeling let alone express it. You get the idea.
Addiction is one way we learn to protect ourselves from re-experiencing early childhood traumas and early childhood programming. Once we break the hold of an addiction, then deeper work can begin: to identify and challenge old patterns of behavior we developed in childhood which continue to influence us to avoid living in the present as adults.
A good reason to enter into a process of therapy can be to discover why, as an adult, we act in ways which don’t really represent how we see ourselves or how we would like to behave if we felt free to be spontaneous, to be ourselves.
I look forward to your comments and questions at www.steve@shrinkdifferentradio.com
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